In order to atone for my controversial, Girlfriend Skiing, chapter – I thought I’d add this supplementary blog. I was tempted to simply replace the word ‘girl’ with ‘boy’ and repost the chapter – but where would be the fun in that?
I refer to it as ‘Boyfriend Skiing’, or BF skiing for short, but any romantic connection between the participants is optional. It describes the common problems faced by women who are significantly better skiers than their hairier halves.
The first and most common problem for both parties is recognising they are in a BF or GF skiing relationship. Men always think they’re better skier than they actually are, and almost all women underestimate their ability. But girls, if the skills gap is unarguably in your favour, you’ll need to manage the situation carefully, if you ever want him to return to the slopes.
If he is a beginner, it’s not a good idea to dump him in ski school everyday while you bugger off into the backcountry with Jean-Pierre – local guide and notorious Lothario.
And, even if you’re a qualified instructor, it’s a worse idea to try and teach him to ski yourself. If the relationship is to survive you’ll need to spend at least one day BF skiing with your Beau, if you want to keep him.
BF skiing means adopting the same attitude needed for successful GF skiing. It means waking up on the designated BF day, and saying to yourself – “today I’m Boyfriend Skiing” then flicking your boots into walk-mode, grabbing some long thin piste skis and taking your camera instead of your transceiver.
Meanwhile the BF will be having a team chat with his reflection in the bathroom mirror. “Today we’re going to leave it all on the mountain”, “don’t let her see your fear.” “Move aside, Jean-Pierre, I’m taking my woman back.”
However, BF skiing is harder to pull off than GF skiing thanks to the fragile nature of the male ego with the additional complication that most men don’t like being told what to do – especially by women. Most also have a sexist opinion of female navigational skills, so girls, you’ve got your work cut out.
Don’t be too bossy. There is an art to being in control, without looking like a control freak, which must be mastered before attempting BF skiing – the passive-aggressive approach works well.
“Where would you like to ski today darling?” you ask, while having a perfect BF skiing plan in mind. Whatever he comes up with first, just say, “well that’s fine, it’s your day dear, where ever you want to go, we’ll go.” Let him cycle through alternatives until he hits on your plan, then agree it’s the best option.
Before setting off, make sure he has applied sunscreen. He might not care about his skin but if his skiing improves sufficiently, making marriage a possibility, you’ll potentially have to look at his mug for a long time. It doesn’t hurt to run through a full equipment check too before leaving the chalet – remember he’s just a large child and you’re simply taking over from his mother.
Like GF skiing, the choice of terrain is critical for a successful day’s BF skiing. Try and find empty wide blue runs to allow him to ski at ludicrously high speeds without endangering others and always ski behind him yourself for your own safety. Expert BF skiers can occasionally request he slows down – so they can catch up.
If you think your BF is able, it’s always good to find an easy black run he can notch up on his belt and give him something to brag about in the bar later. Avoid all mogul fields, couloirs and heavily wooded areas – they will expose his lack of turning ability. You might get a free helicopter ride out of it, but you’re the one who’ll be helping him walk to the toilet for next ten weeks.
The choice of lunchtime restaurant is important too. It must have a swanky wine list enabling the BF to show his superior expertise in something. Don’t worry, he will always choose the 2nd cheapest bottle from it. For similar reasons, allow him to order his own food in French and don’t laugh when the snail consommé turns up. Also remember to be impressed when he inevitably wants to shows you the top speed of the morning, he recorded on his Ski Tracks app.
After lunch it’s especially important to keep the BF away from ski-school areas. Most men suffer with PLAD (post luncheon attention deficit) and he’ll ski like a missile with faulty guidance software. If he does take out a kindergarten class, ski past until you’re out of sight, then wait until you can’t hear shouting anymore.
Remember, despite the picturesque scenery, the log cabin accommodation and cozy blazing fire – don’t expect any romance in the evening. You might be on a holiday, but he is on a survival course, so don’t wear him out in bed.
I believe it is possible for mixed ability couples to enjoy a skiing holiday equally, but only if the better skier understands the principles of Girlfriend Skiing or indeed Boyfriend Skiing. Interestingly, which approach will be most effective with your spouse, isn’t always determined by his/her sex!
Related blogs: An apology to my ski girlfriends
Priceless! I will never forget one time I was leading, and a late 20’s couple turned up in the bar the night before to arrange to ski some “steep and deeps” the next day. He threw down his ABS bag on a chair, peeled of his technical outer layers to take of his transceiver, and carefully placed his top of the range helmet, goggles and go-pro on the table. He proceeded to give me a 30 minute run-down of all the gnarly runs he has skied in the past and wanted to ski the next day. His better half meanwhile said nothing but sat quietly by his side. The next day, after a reasonably tough morning he was totally spent and begging for mercy, whilst she was one of the best skiers (male or female) whom I have had the pleasure to ski with. Just shows, eh!
It’s always the one with ‘all the gear and no idea’. Although, Paul, you’ve had me begging for mercy before now!
That could be me and Mighty Atom; although I would never dare to touch the wine list.
Yes – Simon you are the GF when you ski with your missus – I’m the GF when I ski with Morzine Mary.
GF skiing is a totally unisex concept.
Happy birthday “Girlfriend”.
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